Minot Air Force Base North Dakota- A lone B-52H has been reportedly placed on antidepressants after it was seen sulking in its hangar next to a tanker and a bomb rack filed with JDAMs.
“you know sometimes I just feel useless, I mean look at Vietnam. I flew all the way from bases in Korea to blow up a bunch of dumb guerillas. For what? They wouldn’t even let me use my nukes.” B-52 stated in an interview.”I just feel like nothing I do matters. I couldn’t even stop a few communists from taking over vietnam.”
The B-52H is currently over halfway through it’s expected 90 year service life. To get some better perspective on the matter we spoke to veteran pilot and Bomber Health Specialist Captain Lance “King Kong” Kubrick. Captain Kubrick and his father Stanley have been working with the big bombers since 1964.
“It’s fairly common for bombers to question their usefulness around this stage in their service life.” Captain Kubrick stated. They see a lot of action but they never really feel like they accomplish much.”
When asked how bad this breakdown was, Kubrick laughed. “You should have seen what my grandfather had to deal with with B-29.”
“B-29 was so happy after World War Two. He was the only bomber that could carry an atom bomb and everyone couldn’t stop thanking him for winning the war. Then he saw the B-47 with its jet engines and got really jealous and depressed. “He fell to pieces after that; literally. He barely made it through Korea ”
When asked how he felt about being one of the older bombers in fleet B-52 was despondent.
“My fuselage is so round that I can’t even do interdiction anymore. It’s not my fault they didn’t care about low observability when they designed me.”Hey B-52 wanna test a new bomb? We’re going to have B-2 carry it because your radar signature is the size of Texas” The bomber said after a gulp of jet fuel.” Those 60s era missiles Iran has are too dangerous for you” 52 mocked.” I’m older than most of my pilots! I’ve had more avionics upgrades than I have engines!”
The bomb 52 is referring to is the Massive Ordnance Penetrator or MOP. The 30,000 pound bunker buster was designed to take out difficult to hit targets like suspected Iranian nuclear sites. While some testing was conducted with B-52s only the B-2 Spirit is cleared to carry the weapon.
Bunker busters aside, what seemed to hurt the B-52 most was its feeling that it never fulfilled its original purpose. “I was designed to deliver the apocalypse! I was like the the four horseman all rolled into one! Now they’re even taking that away from me. I’ll never gonna get to nuke anything. I’ll just end up blowing up insurgents and the armies of third world dictators until they put me in some museum for kids to point at and old pilots to reminisce about.”
“I just feel like a Big Ugly Fat Failure.”